today i had a wild urge to rebel against myself. to tell myself "fuck you and fuck your fragile ego that's supposedly so inescapable." to joyously toss perfection out the window. to relinquish my tight grasp on it. give up the desperate search. and just let everything be... let myself go... melt my paralysis and let it all unravel and fall apart and come loose and fly away like springs and coils off an unwound clock...

i imagine what would happen... what would happen if i wasn't careful, intense, applying effort? what would happen naturally?

what do i fear? what do i try to protect?

why do people withdraw from life, hold tight within their heads, 'protecting' the world from themselves in a perpetually futile attempt to collectively hold away and out of sight all of the imperfections it contains?

~

love is the polar opposite of fear...

~

i feel the best when i am working on music or art. when i am creating something for the beauty of it.. for the expression of it.. for the is-ness of it. and truly just pouring myself into it. letting all awareness just flow and get lost within it. losing all track of time and all concern. remaining in the truth of the moment and focusing only on describing it with images or sounds...

...and that is the best attempt i can make right now to ascribe words to these things...

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