i left work, went and sat myself outside a coffee shop with a latte and a notebook and pen (a right little beatnik, i am) and� sonic boom� floodgates opened in my brain and thoughts poured in irridescent torrents onto my notebook. it was like having multiple mental orgasms. so good, so good� i was still scribbling things onto my notebook as i was driving home (look out, fellow drivers) and after i settled in at home, i had more new thoughts and scrambled quickly to find a pen again to record them, like the fellow with amnesia in Memento�
my brain is on fire. my soul is the igniting flame.
also, as i was driving home, one of the little things i wrote down so thrilled me i started giggling out loud� which made me giggle even more. and then i began cheerily talking to myself. i told myself �you know, i had a great time with you at coffee tonight�� �what an amazing conversation that was�� �yeah, great to get to know you� i supplemented these comments with �god, you�re a dork� �yes, but you�re a good little dork�. i was highly tickled�
and that reminded me of the curious phenomena of self-prediction that prevents people from being able to physically tickle themselves� hmmm�
anyway, all of this self-dialogue: multiple personality disorder or a good thing? hehe.. maybe both. perhaps it�s just downright silly. but there�s a part in the fantastic hand-out my painting teacher gave us on perfectionism:
��it may help to remember the great line of geneen roth�s: that awareness is learning to keep yourself company. And then to learn to be more compassionate company, as if you were somebody you are fond of and wish to encourage.�
when i�ve spent time with myself in the past it�s been of a bit more tense relationship, wherein i�ve usually had to be actively doing something like walking or working or even worrying energetically. but now it�s started to grow into the type of relationship where i can have comfortable silences and, rather than having to go out and do something in particular, i can just chill�
i also realized that personal growth is similar to bringing up a child in a sense that if you harp on the bad parts, you only get a guilty continuation of them, whereas if you validate the good parts, they flourish.
instead of wishing for others to tell me the things i want to hear, i�m starting to just tell them to myself. my energy is self-contained and self-supplied.
and, what do you know? relationships with others are now getting better and better and, as i wrote about in yesterday's entry, i�m finding the people i really want to know and co-exist with�
if my life could be compared to a video-game, the last few years have been spent in frustration of stumbling into the same traps, falling prey to the same monsters, and getting zapped� while my energy level depletes down, down, down� game over. but the last couple months in �hibernation� (as i now fondly refer to it) have been that in-between-lives place where i�ve gone to my magic videogame source to regenerate and re-start game. i think i�m now moving onto the next level� and bring on the new challenges, i say!
woo to the motherfuckin� HOO!
moving right along�