01.16.2002 1:01 am
a few things:

1) i am seriously overwhelmed by the coolness of people right now. i read peoples diaries. i meet people in the course of a day. i spend time with my close friends and family. and i am blown away. i am humbled. and it makes me really stoked. especially reading some of these people's writing and stuff... the utter coolness... the wit... the intelligence... the creativity... the depth. i feel pretty damn privileged. and i try to get out of this little engrained, insecure mode of "gee, am i cool enough to be friends with this person?" and just focus on strengthening me and what i have to give.. and all that good stuff!

2) i am happy. yes, another day has gone by when i can't help but tell myself that. i mean, cool shit is happening in my life. i sometimes wonder when it's going to shift.. and wonder how temporary this high is... but i keep enjoying the moments. "the lows build the highs" and i am noticing these happy days starting to collect. and in that happiness and excitement, i think about the future and feel giddy and smile... and i wonder, if i can maintain this feeling, what can i accomplish?!

3) it is good to deeply enjoy things. to not constantly analyze and judge, but to truly feel things. really let yourself be taken by them and enjoy them thoroughly. (i am telling this to myself for reinforcement). this seems to help bring about happiness...

~

this diary is, in a way, a building collection of mementos for myself. when i feel strongly about something or sense a thought or experience as conducive to progress, i want to record it for my own posterity... so i can read it in the future in weaker moments and remember.

it's becoming quite a conduit, too... a channel to put forth ideas... to maintain the flow. in opening that flow, i am finding it increasing greatly. i have still been scribbling down thoughts everywhere... in class in sketchbooks... at work emailing things to myself, etc. and it feels really good.

i have pages and pages of stuff i've written in the last week or so that i haven't put in the diary yet. but i want to... because it gives it all a certain end-point, i suppose... a certain release... into vast, unknown territory, really. but that is ok. the fact that there are only a couple people who i think even read this is good for me because it keeps it more of a tabula rasa... and not worrying about how others are judging me... or my lazy grammar...... hehe

~

there are a gazillion more things i want to tell about and ideas i want to write right now but i will take a deep breath and know that they will still be in my head tomorrow, and get some good ol sleep... zzzzzz........

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