i am at odds with my own mind, longing to just not have to think at all right now. i stayed up literally all night and morning, reading and thinking and writing about art, epistemology, progress, meaning, etc. so now what? my brain just feels like cumbersome apparatus and my eyes sting from being open so long. after all i wrote, i didn't want to post it. i suddenly saw it as pedantic and self-indulgent (as if self-indulgence should be a concern in a personal diary...). at the end i just questioned the point - wondering how it could possibly be relevant to those who would read it here. what happened to confidence? integrity? my own voice?
at times i cannot help but wonder why i try so earnestly... why i passionately fill myself up with inspiration until i feel something drawing it out through this little filter of wonderment with the crushing force and pressure of an anvil.
sometimes i see an opening for myself ~ a place in this world where i am uniquely needed. but then in moments i wonder if it is just an idealistic mirage i have painted to keep me going... to justify the countless hours spent pouring my soul into "research" and rumination and painstaking expression. and then i feel very alone and small.
i fear that laziness will be the death of me, that i will grow up a "gifted underachiever"... smashed under the burden of could-have-beens... drowned in the ocean of infinite possibilities that i cast out upon.
today i looked at a picture of myself. i looked at that girl and wondered about her... wondered why she feverishly vascillates between extremes feeling tortured by paradox... what visions of grandeur she entertains while all she can bring herself to do is sit and stare into space.
for the first time in quite a while, i feel tired. i have been staying up all night on the fuel of fascination and excitement almost every single night. and now i'm just laden with self-doubt. i suddenly feel fragile and human and feel the effects of the sleep-deprivation.
i am sure i will bounce right back. i know the antidote i need is simply not taking myself so seriously. i need to go and hang out with my brother so we can laugh and laugh and laugh...
i hope that i can be strong and wise enough to not look back on this entry and cringe. to know that moments like these are inevitable.
right now i am unafraid to release and unafraid to take a break and just give way to exhaustion...
[postscript: ah, i think this was my little brand of pms.. heh]