though i ended up doing little writing, i came away from it having learned a great deal (though, come to think of it, i seem to feel that way after every weekend... and really, most of my days).
first of all, i saw that it's a bit silly for me to be seeking 'inspiration' right now. inspiration seems impossible to avoid. i am full, full, full. my oil painting teacher told me, "you have enough ideas to take you through graduate school and beyond..." as i explained in a previous entry, my focus should really be on creating... on releasing OUT.
i gained an empathy and compassion for the pain of middle-aged women. of the 25 women in attendance, i was the youngest by at least half their ages. while these women can't be said to represent their demographic in its entirety, they all could have easily been my teacher, neighbor, aunt, co-worker, etc. i have never been witness to so many tears from so many people in such a short period of time as this past weekend. literally all of them had been either bitterly divorced or were having current marital problems... and aside from my mom, they all felt fractured, tired, overwhelmed, and mired in life's struggles. during the retreat they cared not nearly as much for writing as a creative endeavor, but for the theraputic opportunity to pour out their hearts to each other, held in emotional safety and support. so, yeah, i had no idea i was in for being around all that. no descriptions i'd read about the retreat said anything about addressing any particular personal issues. so i will never see women around that age in the same light. in ways, i fell in love with each of them... as mothers, as writers, as vulnerable human beings trying earnestly to understand and repair themselves and each other.
in their midst, i felt like a shiny young spirit with the proverbial world as my oyster. seriously - it made me feel fortunate to the point of guilt. fortunate because of my opportunities and lack of such burdens. guilty because i fear i don't always utilize as much as i could. it made me feel incredibly thankful that at this point in my life i have things situated to be unconcerned with problems connected to aging, health, marriage, children, money, etc. i am FREE to travel and study and think and create. i don't necessarily dread the future of becoming older and holding other responsibilities... i trust i'll desire them. but it spurned me to live my life to its fullest right now. (boy have i apparently got my motivational-hallmark-card vibe ON... ehhh)
i also saw clearly that when one is enmeshed in one's own subjective troubles and dramas, one can't really have the mental space or time to ponder larger, objective, abstract or philosophical ideas. i hope i can preserve that space in my life for as long as possible. i see a balance to be had: that one isn't so objective as to be disconnected and out-of-touch, but that one isn't stuck inside their difficulties to the point of being unable to view a larger picture.
i ache to be around young, like-minded people. so many people i encounter are caught up in the materialistic "working world" or they submerge themselves in art or music but dull and contort their minds with drugs. i just really yearn for a shared reality with the people i am around. i have started to meet some people that's happening with. mostly, i've got friends who i love who are great to hang out with and have fun - which i absolutely appreciate - but i never really get to connect with them as far as most other interests or ideas. i know i echo others' sentiments, but that's truly how i'm feeling... parts of me often get lonely. so i'm more drawn than ever to be in a focused university environment... taking some classes here is not enough. i want to immerse myself in my subjects and converse with people who are immersed along with me...
another thing i realized was how important it is to me to help people. i consider it a necessary element of my life in order for me to be content. i've been getting in more of it lately ~ in the form of giving support, advice, assistance, etc. having spent 2 1/2 years working for a counselling center i had withdrawals after leaving of feeling like i was doing nothing of real worth to others. i'm now searching that place in between... of living my own life and contributing to others' simultaneously...
(sheesh, a long 'un!)