earlier today, in a moment of crushing *cantfindfittingwordinlexicon*, i spat out the following words... not shaped, not arranged, not formulated... spat. (typed, as it were...)

i posted the entry. i was physically famished and so went and had a bit of oatmeal, felt better, came back to my computer, and decided i didn't want those words anymore... raw, stark, tainting my diary. so i deleted it.

but i see now that, though it was a dark moment, it's part of the record, nonetheless... and i must let it be.

i am both yin and yang. this is my yin...

~

i just read a bunch of peoples' diaries. funny - sad - profound - light - silly - interesting - bored - frustrated - excited - human emotions.

i search desperately for reflections. i want to identify. i want to find likeness.

i get absorbed. i get engaged. i get taken.

and then i lose myself.

i feel like a fucking freak.

i feel different than different.

i am too many things.

i take on too much.

i see too much.

i care too much.

i want to become too much.

i want to create too much.

i am not from here.

my family is not from here.

i don't know where i am from.

i don't know what is home.

i do not watch tv.

i do not play videogames.

i do not know the news.

i do not eat food from the local grocery store.

i fill my mind with as much as i can take.

i pour out as much as i can. i try too hard. i don't ever try hard enough.

what is this?

who am i?

why do i give so much of a fuck?

some people wear identity/personality/affiliation for security. i fear it. god, i fear it.

i hate placing these words here.

do not hold me to this.

i am not this.

there is so much more.

i am nothing but potential.

i am nothing but what i observe and what i feel... constantly shifting and changing.

i am what i love.

i am what i fear.

bundles of thought. electrical impulses.

what the fuck?

i am contradictions galore and i know it.

i want out.

i want out of this brain.

i want out of the limitations.

i love the world and my heart aches.

why can't i be everything?

why can't people see everything i see through me?

that's what i want.

and i want to hear and know everyone's thoughts and know what they really feel and see.

~

sometimes my mind implodes, applying itself to itself... i start to eat myself alive... cannibalizing my very own thoughts.

~

sometimes i feel like a little primordial soup of volatile chemicals that have been poured together... inevitably churning and seething and intermingling chaotically...

~

(and sometimes i am just really starving... and i think "mmm... primordial soup")

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