so then i'm thinking about this as it applies to other forms of expression. i'm thinking about the things i write, and how "me" or "not me" they are. thinking about what i say and how i act around other people as far as being myself. i wonder, what does sound like me, then? what is truly my sound? my look? my voice? what are my words (and can i be responsible enough to own them)?
...and then i remember... one of the most amazing experiences of my life. it was at a jazz music camp i attended last summer... a class i took called "open improvisation" taught by a brilliant, eccentric guy (gotta love 'em) named Art Lande. Art had been a pianist for 50 years and had achieved such success and proficiency on the intstrument that it seemed to almost bore him... and he had gotten into percussion and "free jazz" ~ experimental, amorphous, avant-garde, wild-sounding music... so, in his class i found we were in for some crazy shit.
he started by talking about the things we think about while performing music - and people answered things like worrying about sounding good, correct technique, looking good, being impressive, cool, hitting the right notes, etc., etc. he said this shit all gets in the way of our ability to play and express ourselves - which is what music is all about...
he first explained "getting down to zero"... attempting a mental state in which you quiet your mind down to silence, nothing. he instructed us to do this... basically, the age-old meditation technique of just shutting your inner babble the hell up and being present, in the moment. having done that, we were to then tune into our "inner radio"... simply listening to whatever came to us. he had us keep our instruments in their cases and just go around the group in a circle... speaking whatever was there on the dial. we weren't to censor or edit it in any way ~ but when it was our turn, we had to speak as soon as we were ready and tuned and just let the words out... non sequitur or whatever. he then had us take out our instruments and go around the circle and do the same thing ~ this time playing it. whatever the sound was in our mind's radio, we had to reproduce it as closely as possible with our instrument. this was all quite wild and revolutionary for me ~ not only to see everyone else's process in doing this, but in just quieting down and listening to myself so closely.
Art then took it to the next level and talked about listening to other people... to get down to zero and hear their sound as if it was your own. he had everyone go around the circle another time, each playing whatever we felt exactly... only this time, LISTENING in that way while other people played. (incidentally, i have never visually seen anyone listen to music the way Art does. he always has his eyes closed and it physically moves him... sways his body around and contorts his face into frowns, grimaces and ecstatic smiles - sometimes in the space of a single measure. he looks posessed. i wish i could put a film clip of it here or something... but i would actually make a point of sitting near him during the daily performances so i could just watch him and trip out.) so when it came my turn to play, on my violin, i waited a moment until it came to me and then played the notes in my head. and then before the next person could start, Art stopped and then said "i want you all to do something, now..." he had me play again but had everyone actually play along with me. it might sound impossible to play along with someone what they are playing while they are spontaneously improvising... but when you are totally tuned in and listening so closely that you are listening as if you're playing it yourself, it's possible... and we did it right then. remembering it still gives me shivers. the feeling of playing myself, my voice, my violin... and having a group of other people play those notes along with me... hard to explain, perhaps, but i was overcome with emotion. it was surreal - i felt like i the whole room became my instrument ~ everyone shared my voice and their instruments were collectively my instrument. in that moment, i imagined that even the whole world was my instrument. it left tears filling my eyes and it blew my fucking mind...
in the classes that followed, we got into all the dynamics of applying those basic concepts and techniques to a group... all kinds of incredible stuff about creating ambient "environments", experimenting with new and different sounds, harmonizing those inner radios together, etc. the music we ended up making together as small groups and as a whole group would have probably sounded utterly abstract and insane to someone who happened to walk in the room... but it was so cool to make!
i learned so much from the class about playing music. but the concepts still strike me as metaphors for larger things in life... now, namely, this authenticity issue.
being myself is a matter of being present and listening...
...and then expressing through whatever medium will sound/look/feel most like that "station", my voice...
...oh, and having the balls to.