sometimes i veil myself in enchanting ambiguities, and sometimes i reveal a naked truth. i am perpetually challenged and intrigued by this process.
perceptions of experiences, conceptions formed by introspection and observation, meaning ascribed to it all... then translated into words. once released out, they can be viewed from an external perspective, an objective viewpoint.
and when i see these words on a page, they say: "this is what you look like. this is what others can see when they look at you."
and as i stare back at my own reflection, i think: "hm, what is that i'm wearing? do i like it? does it suit me? nah, let's try something else on."
change.
and then look back. look at the snapshots of past appearances: "oh my, that looked hideous..." or "ooh, that was hot" or "hm, that just didn't fit quite right"
but, wait, the goal is not just to wear a beautiful garment. for there are so many lovely outfits that can be worn. perhaps they look good on me; perhaps not. perhaps i wear them well; perhaps they don't suit me. ...and are they actually my style in the first place?
...or, wait a minute... maybe if the goal is to actually look like "me" i have to just get naked. aw no, but that's uncomfortable...
...but perhaps that bareness is beautiful... it is lovely and intricate and uniquely me...
well then, as a metaphor consider this diary a slow, drawn-out strip-tease: hey, ok, i like my ankles... "ok, everybody, you can see my ankles..." then "oooh, you like them? ok! well here are my knees... no wait, i don't like my knees. uh... hey, check out this fabulous skirt! ...oh, yes, ahhh i see... you think the skirt is pretty but you want to see what's underneath it... um, ok... here's some more leg..."
et cetera...
however, the objective here is not necessarily to ultimately reveal all of me to you, as if i owe that...
i think it's to see myself reflected in your eyes and to accept. to discover. to grow more comfortable in my own skin...
diaries: glimpses... "smoke & mirrors"... naked honesty... it's all quite seductive...
and also bewildering...