man, oh, man. what a day. what a week. what a life... what an existence. but i'm always feeling that way, aren't i...
i am definitely the opposite of complacent. life feels predictably unpredictable. expectedly unexpected. ordinarily extraordinary.
but this is how i make it. this is how i see it.
i am really truly quite an uncomfortable girl. i am unsettled, tense, moody, oversensitive, too-introspective, too concerned about the world and people and everything. i guess i use these sorts of adjectives a lot when refering to myself... but they are just the most apt. they really only describe my general mindset and state of being at this time, though.
I, myself, am not those things. times when i feel the most ME are basically the times when i feel this huge glowing feeling of love and admiration and creative flow. to me, love/understanding/beauty/admiration/truth/creation/aesthetics/happiness are all totally connected. they are all a certain realm. i seek these things, this place, in a way that is the most basic, deep need and desire that i have. but the thing is, it's not so much to receive these things. it's to outflow them - to give them. and perhaps it's not even just that, it's to breathe them, to BE them. but i think we all feel this way to one degree or another, because it is our essence. it's also our commonality. and it's our totality, too - our "larger self"...
i don't care how this sounds. i'm not just saying this shit... i really, really mean it.
incidentally, i'm a bit weary of the endless novelty-irony-amusement schtick that abounds everywhere... y'know? i mean, i don't mean to sound like some fuckin' dramatic serious gothic german person or something. i love, love, love funny. but i also love real and deep, too. sometimes real is funny and funny is real. but too often i think all this hoo-ha is avoidance of confronting things that are deeper, truer.
so here's me... all my life, endlessly seeking out these things. connection, knowledge, expression. always oscillating. always a wave. back and forth. what is and what's not. true and false, real and unreal. extremes, opposites, contradiction, paradox. pushing, pushing, pushing. searching. struggling. overwhelmed. constantly changing.
my search is so desperate, i sacrifice my stability. the challenge is always knowing what to retain and what to keep steady... and what to alter and morph and progress. like a philosopher, "lover of wisdom" - mustn't HOLD ideas, fixed, but ever questioning and moving forward on the dialectical process. my problems are the problems of growth. sometimes i don't have enough strength and "grounding" and i feel like i'm flailing around in the wind. sometimes i don't change enough and i'm paralyzed by fear and irresponsibility.
but me - this wave, this particle, this consciousness, this soul - is heading in a certain direction... it is uncertain but it is alive and it is impassioned. it inevitably takes form and reforms and finds it's place.
what i'm realizing (again) is that i have a huge, huge, VAST amount of angst and concern about 1) the troubles and state of things in the world and people, and 2) what my purpose and "role" is. i have so much anxiety over these things that i'd rather delude myself into false solutions or not look at them at all. but the fact is that a) there really is a general situation that exists that needs changing, b) i have some skill and capability that can be put to use, and c) i have an incredibly strong urge to contribute and help. so i have to surmount my own brokenness and introversion and irresponsibility and figure out how the hell to do this or i'll always feel empty and miserable to some degree.
why are there such dilemmas within me? i'm a perfect example of the existential struggle Kierkegaard describes as the reconciliation of the "aesthetic" and "ethical" dimensions of life. and it's fucking hard.
do you see a bit of why i'm not so comfy, now? why i'm a little tense?
sure i don't really need to be. sure i should just chill and relax. but i can't - this is me and my trip.
and i probably didn't express it too eloquently. and maybe it didn't make sense to people. but right now i definitely don't give a fuck. i'm speaking exactly what i'm feeling and that's what's important in this diary moment.
~
on a seperate note, i'm feeling really bad about my social connections right now. i have 15 unanswered e-mails sitting in my inbox right now and i have neglected spending time with a lot of my friends. it really, really, really sucks. i HAVE to handle it before i leave. it's weighing on me a lot, not so much out of obligation but because i really really do care about these connections and these people. they are people i really really like and love and want to catch up with and listen to and feel close to. i wish i could spend a day with each one of them right now and listen to their stories and let them spill their brains and laugh and exchange and connect. arrrrrgggghhh.
being frustrated about it in here won't do any good, though. i've got to make some more time for the friend part of my life and do some catching up before i leave and it will be good.
ok? ok. :)
(i feel so silly saying stuff like this to myself. someone (Ash, I think) said in their diary one time that blogs can seem like a glorified way of talking to oneself. it's true. but it is "theraputic" and clarifying indeed, sometimes.)