exchange of communication in and of itself...
and if friendships can be said to be a level of health in one's life, mine is running rather low right now. i just realized this.
granted, i have close family and many friends and associates who i speak with every day... this is certainly fine and good. but why is it that there are sooooo many thoughts/emotions/concerns/ideas i have that never get expressed? not in my conversations, not here..... bottled.
i think i fear a lack of interest and/or understanding. i've always been this way, to a degree. i guess it's called "introversion". a pattern of just directing everything inwards.
i'm achingly tired of it. i want OUT.
i just cried for the first time in a while. the catalyst for the tears was that i was mean to someone. i got all frustrated and mad at this travel agent girl on the phone because she put me on hold for 20 mins and hadn't mailed out my ticket on time, etc. but then i thought - UGH, this isn't me! i don't get pissy with people like that, EVER. because i understand that they are just doing the best they can, i guess. i have always had more luck in any situation just being patient and friendly. but i snapped at her and it was all tense and shitty... and then i got off the phone and fucking cried because it disturbed me. i thought of how she probably felt and i hated the whole negativity of the situation...
but underneath that, i'm stressed anyway. i have a million things to do before i leave on thursday and they are getting pressing, pressing, pressing... burdening, suffocating. i'm worrying about this and that.
and underneath that, there are other things... my tears sprung from a deeper well of malaise.
and when i tap into that, i feel very solitary. because i'd rather keep it all inside and out of view... out of view of people, the world, and even myself most of the time. i realized i feel mostly this sense of being apologetic to the world that i have any flaws, that i have any "issues". as if the world expects me to be absolutely perfect and brilliant and beautiful and there's this crushing sense of disappointment if i fall short in any way...
blah, blah, blah... i shall expose my introspection no more. i'm sure more analysis could come of this shit, but i don't even want to think about it any more right now.
i need to remain in action and get all these things done. my solutions lie in action rather than contemplation, at this point...
ok, done with venting. does feel a bit better, though.