i am fucked up in the head.
right now i am tired and don't wish to elaborate upon the gruesome details of my mental illness. but i'll report that lately the demons have gotten the best of me. i've been losing the battle. and i've spent too long with a mortal wound, trying to tough it out and ignore it and say "aw it's just a scratch!" and pretend to walk like nothing's really wrong. because i've just noticed how crippled i am in that despite my stumbling i haven't moved forward. i'm stuck. and i need to actually get help before i fucking bleed to death.
part of what masks the urgency of the problem is that it's internal. something that is part of your subjective, personal reality is difficult to see on your own. the mirror gets held up for viewing it by others around you; situations, crises that occur in your life and environment can make it apparent. in my case, as i take pains not to hold others as recipients of my issues and don't partake in "drama", my shit's evident mainly in my withdrawal and becomes manifest in my physical health.
the other part that numbs the harshness of what i inflict upon myself is the belief that it's deserved and therefore appropriate and not something that needs to be handled. but if i take a moment to consider one of my friends (for whom i have total care and acceptance) having this problem and telling me about it, i'd be violently shocked, appalled, and would want them to receive whatever help they needed to fix it and recover immediately.
so i've been dancing for a while with that awful, black plague of insanity and sickness. to and fro, it haunts and retreats as i struggle to live my life. i cannot describe with enough intensity to convey the massive tension formed by the part of me that is full of creative force and visions and dreams and expansive desire to connect and help and learn and love, running into the monster that just wants me to fucking shrivel up, choke, and die. when the two converge, i'm nullified into a sickly, stagnant stasis... spiraled inside myself, still quietly fighting but growing weaker.
i'm not getting jack shit done with my life. i have a nice job and take delightful trips and have wonderful friends and family. but i'm producing nothing and advancing nowhere and it's very wrong. i generally serve little worth to that job and those friends because i'm so constantly "out-of-it". when i tell people i'm doing great and supply them with nice anecdotes about vacations and whatnot, i think they can probably still see through it.
my family can... i went to lunch with my dad on saturday to "catch up" and a couple days later got an email from him telling me how very sad he felt afterward - sad about this, sad for that, sad sad sad. i guess it wasn't even anything i told him, it was just me. and i've never heard him say that kind of stuff before. my mother is away in india right now but is all worried, apparently. and tonight i went to see my brother to work on music but we ended up just talking because he was so concerned about me and was trying to get me to confront this shit. he said i am dying, said he missed my energy, misses my creativity, misses looking up to me as his big sister and many other depressing, needed slap-in-the-face stuff that made me recognize the slow suicide i've been committing. my dad is calling me in sick to work tomorrow and i'm going to stay at his house all day with him and however much longer and figure out what i need to do to get better.
this is embarassing to me. but more than that, i feel strongly that i really do need to face and address my mental health. i do have faith that there is a lot of good in me and that i'm on this earth to do more than carefully die. in fact, my friend, Chad, whose birthday we celebrated last week, wrote this in an email to me tonight "my dear friend you're the best to me, You're one of the best people in my life and a great blessing to me. Not to mention a catalyst for my thought. ...I want to tell you how invigorating and energizing it is to talk to you." so i want to come back to life to create this effect on others more. and i want to be happy.
i've fantasized about falling asleep for 3 weeks straight and waking up feeling healthy and whole again. tonight i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to wake up and get started on whatever will make me feel that way.
ugh, thanks for reading.