i reckon that extreme introspection is a state we sometimes find ourselves in during conditions of mental or physical illness. a suffering creature needs to retreat inside themselves a certain degree in order to heal... once well, they can return to action and outward-focus. but often, if not done only for escape or avoidance, shifting attention back outside can itself be tremendously revitalizing. in a general sense, we pass through cycles - from unconsciousness, to becoming aware of a certain unawareness/mystery/lack/pain, coming to know and understand it... until we reach a point of no longer needing to be acutely conscious of it... all set in motion inevitably through the catalysts of relationships and experiences. knowledge, including self-knowledge, can become internalized to a point where you simply become and just act without such concentrated effort. oblivious and "ok". lose yourself. find yourself. forget about it and just be. rinse, lather, repeat. the eternal dialectical process of it all... a universal evolutionary principle.

recent months and years have been, for me, an intensified and concentrated process as such... but really, because something in me remains so fundamentally willing to endure the suffering of change and push forward to weather any crushing doubts, crippling errosions, and bewildering regrowths, i suspect my whole life will be this way to a degree... a turning inside-out through the centripetal and centrifugal forces of existence; a spiraling metamorphosis into something not different but simply truer, clearer.

i am grateful for any openness i may have to this ultimate opportunity for freedom and release. that sort of real openness is something i profoundly respect to the point of heart-melting, crushing, awe-stricken reverence... to dissolve ego and fear, to summon and maintain the strength to persevere "in spite of", to enthuse and create and love... it's all just about the most beautiful thing there is to behold.

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