lately i have started to feel happier. i've felt like a fog has been lifting; like i've begun to emerge from hibernation. particularly in the last couple of days, i've had a noticeable surge of energy, which i am realizing must be connected with having completed some paintings for christmas gifts and having been generally working on creating and finishing things...
here's what i'm thinking about tonight (this morning): judgement and valuation seem key to discovering oneself. when encountering things, people, and experiences, you find yourself reflected in them. you find yourself in that which you love. you discover what you are not (or what you must seperate from or lose) in that which you despise. this life process of acceptance and rejection is therefore essential. some people seek security by shutting themselves off - by rejecting everything, resisting change, and holding to a fixed, narrow view. i feel like i am on the other side of the spectrum whereby i have been too open, accepted too much, and failed to apply enough judgement to what i've experienced. i feel burdened and overfilled with impressions and ideas and puzzle pieces all unused, unapplied, unprocessed. i am burgeoning with all i've absorbed and feel poisoned by the parts i never sorted out. i need to rid myself of what's not wanted or needed. i need to reject and to release. i need to focus on what is good and what i love and expend my energy in those directions; to give; to produce. i am not meant to consume beyond what i need in order to give. overconsumption leads to emptiness and i have witnessed this irony on many levels over the last few months. i have far too much kept inside right now and i must express things out. i only feel complete when i create. everything connected to me has been 3/4, 75%, started but unfinished. i cling to the potential of everything as the only way i can feel perfection... for imperfection is inevitable in anything done in this world -- that's just how things are. i must move past this loose-cannon, free-floating, pinned-to-nothing, amorphous emptiness... outside of this "inner world" that i've slowly imploded into. potential to actual, imagined to real, abstract to concrete - moving along through my little personal dialectic in this great big world.
right now i can feel the future being created. i know things will be as they should be. i feel the immense weight of the force driving me through all this and see everything in my past leading to what i hope for that will be...
~
ok, well that's certainly enough typing of "i" for one night. i feel rather odd talking about myself so much. but i don't usually talk about this shit and i suppose that's what a diary is for. i really don't know who is reading this thing, anyway. to whoever is: ;)
goodnight...